Watching Gigli so you don't have to. *HOME ENTRY*

Seriously, the sacrifices I make for you all sometimes. OK, this is probably the only sacrifice I’ve made, but man, you people owe me. Or maybe just Bethhead owes me as she is the one who suggested (as a new thing to do) “Rent some really bad movies you haven't seen yet.” So I did.



I gave the selection of a ‘really bad movie’ some serious thought. I even polled a few people at work. I obviously knew horror movies would be out because that’s just too damn easy, the same goes for westerns and musicals. If I had run into Jill earlier in the week, I might have changed my mind and went for her suggestion of ‘Ishtar’. I wish I ran into Jill earlier because if I had, I would have seen a really bad movie with Dustin Hoffman running around in the desert rather than the debacle of J-Lo and Affleck doing…well, I STILL have no idea what they were doing, in ‘Gigli’.

We all know ‘Gigli’ was a bad movie. You didn’t even have to see ‘Gigli’ to know it was bad. I decided to watch it to see just HOW bad it was. I wasn’t disappointed.


Funny, that's the exact look I had when watching this movie.

I started watching the movie at about 4:30 on a workday afternoon. I had my bottle of wine (which, consequentially, was also horrible, so it fit the mood) and the remote. The only thing I knew about ‘Gigli’ prior to watching the movie was that J-Lo played a lesbian who was won over straight by the charms of Mr. Affleck. God, just that premise is horrible. What studio exec let this one pass under the radar?

Anyhow, the opening shot is of Affleck, a.k.a. Larry Gigli, threatening a small little man for the money that’s owed his boss by throwing said little man in a laundry machine. It’s actually a decent first shot which makes me think that this movie doesn’t seem so bad so far. I also note that Affleck is putting on a bad Brooklyn accent and the small little man also has one - which can only mean that we’re in New York.


First scene, not so bad. What the hell happened?

But we’re not in New York. We’re in L.A. But this doesn’t stop every. single. one. of. the. characters. from speaking in a New York accent. What is this suppose to be? A New York mob in L.A.? Too much pasta from the Old Spaghetti Factory on Sunset? Fine. For the sake of giving this movie a chance, I’ll let it slide.

Oh, and we learn right away ‘Gigli’ is pronounced like ‘Really’ but with a ‘G’. Now you know.

So the plot, what little there is of it, goes like this: Affleck keeps screwing up but he’s giving a last chance by his boss by kidnapping an autistic boy who happens to be the brother of a guy who his boss is trying to extort. (deep breath) J-Lo is also hired on to keep an eye on Affleck and the autistic boy. J-Lo is gay. Affleck is a macho asshole. J-Lo and Affleck hate each other at first, grow affections for each other later (and for autistic boy), then run away somewhere after they completely botch the job that they’re suppose to do. Or something.



I’d really like to give this movie some credit but I can’t. The accents are horrible. The whole idea that a full out lesbian (not ‘I’m going to experiment in college lesbian’) would just drop the whole thing and say “you’re such a macho asshole, you must be the one guy I’d really enjoy…THAT way.” Even the autistic boy keeps getting less autistic as the movie goes on. I truly thought that they might have a plot twist and say he was actually a normal kid trying to pull one over on Affleck or something. But you know what really Really REALLY ticked me off about this movie? It was the guest appearances of Christopher Walken and Al Pacino. They had the best performances of the entire movie but it made me mad that they were there because once their scenes were over, I was back to watching crap.


"See? I'm reading. I must be a lesbian. But just until you macho Italian me over."

It took me over two hours to watch this movie. I kept pausing it to take cigarette breaks, or to refill my wine, or just for a fucking break of awfulness (i.e. all the rolling of my eyes started giving me a headache).


Biggest tool in the shed.

I watched ‘Gigli’ so you don’t have to. You’re welcome.

An excuse and some brunch

Oh HELLO! Yes, you are still out there I see. Diligently checking in to see what my creative juices (a term I’ve always found a bit gross) have come up with next! “Has she wrestled with a gator this week? Or has she built a tunnel to China? Brunch on a boat perhaps?” you may wonder to yourselves. Alas, no. The creative juices (ew!) have dried up a bit in the last month and I find myself struggling to find something new to do (and have it interesting enough to tell you about it). Last weekend, for example, Kevin and I went to Skosh Monahan’s to watch football. We stayed longer than we planned as we were having a jolly ole-fashioned good time talking with people at the bar and pleased as pickles that the owner has to dress in full makeup two weeks from now from losing a football bet to one of the waitresses. Does this whole entry make? No, unfortunately not.

Desperate, I’ve dug into my reserve. That is to say, I’m going to do a non-winning suggestion from last spring’s New This Weekend contest. You should have a new *real* entry shortly.

In the interim, I’d like to thank all the Eastern European readers for checking my blog and my attempt at borovnica out. Michael from Glory of Carniola linked me last Friday. Man, is he a popular guy! I don’t think I could have had any more hits unless I started using porn words in my entries. I’ve also learned a lot about making my own liquor and the proper (and informal) way to say underpants in Slovenian and Croatian (seriously, check out the comments for that one). My granny is going to be so proud!

Speaking of being linked and searched on, by far I get the most ‘not from people I know’ hits from people searching for the words of the Shamu song at Sea World, where to go golfing in Costa Mesa, and where to find Sunday Brunch in Newport Beach. People love their Sunday Brunch. And for the people who love their Sunday brunch, here is a quick list of places I’ve been around here so you’re not so disappointed that you just click and leave.

Sunday Brunch in Newport Beach:

• The Village Inn, Balboa Island
  
  -Pros: $10 average price on breakfast
  $3.00 all you can drink champagne
  Rarely crowded, even at peak times (11AM - 2PM)
  Fairly decent service
  The restaurant claps when a new champagne bottle is opened
  Quick ferry ride to the peninsula to play pool if you’re still standing after all that booze
  -Cons: The food is crap
  No place to park unless you bike
  
  
• Woody’s Wharf, Newport Peninsula
  
  -Pros:Food is excellent (free muffins!)
  Free champagne
  Great view
  Friendly (already) drunk people at 11 AM
  $3.00 valet parking
  -Cons:Always crowded
  Service can be a bit (ok, WAY bit) slow at times
  Food is pricey, around $15-20
  Friendly (already) drunk people at 11 AM
  
  
• Punjab, Fountain Valley
  
  -Pros:$11 for Sunday brunch buffet
  Free champagne
  Rarely busy
  Food is really good (if you like Indian food)
  Self-service
  Always a place to park
  -Cons:Fountain Valley
  
  
• Omelet Parlor, Costa Mesa
  
  -Pros:Food is good and cheap ($6-9)
  Service is great
  Always a place to park
  -Cons:Always busy on Sunday
  Champagne is sold by glass or bottle
  
  
• Cappy’s, Newport Beach
  
  -Pros:Decent food, large portions
  Most items $8-$15
  Parking usually isn’t a problem
  Service is great
  -Cons:Usually a wait on Sunday (but typically no more than 15 min)
  Mimosas sold by the glass only (and at $6 a piece too)
  
  
• Hornblower Sunday Brunch Cruise (see entry)
  
• The Alley (see entry)

I’m sure there are plenty of other places; those are just the ones that I’ve been to. I, as you should know by now, am always open to new suggestions. I love me some brunch.

OK kids, I’ll be back soon, I promise.

Hi-Times Chili-Cook-off - Costa Mesa, CA

This is a week late, I know. I’ve been trying to formulate a way to compose this and have it sound exciting. Since the heat this past week has gotten to my brain, I’m afraid I’m going to have to give you the plain facts and hope you don’t fall asleep.

So…

As I’ve mentioned in the last post, Kevin and I live across the street from Orange County’s biggest liquor store, Hi-Times. Since April of this last year, they’ve been advertising the 1^st annual Chili-Cook-off for Charity. The Cook-off wasn’t to be held until August…talk about pre-planning. At first I debated entering myself in the cook-off; I make a decent chili mac that I thought would be worthy (and what a better new this weekend idea!). But as the Cook-off date got closer I got lazier. I didn’t want to make batches upon batches of chili mac. I couldn’t afford to make batches and batches of chili mac. Hell, I didn’t have the pots to make more than 8 servings. And besides, if there was ever an event to attend just for the sake of attending, it has to be one that’s practically in your own back yard.

The Chili-Cook-Off started at 10AM Sunday morning. Kevin and I were still in our pajamas, drinking coffee and reading the Sunday paper when the band started in on Rick Springfield’s “Jessie’s Girl”. Did I mention that Hi-Times is right across the street? It was like Rick Springfield and his band were singing in the upstairs bathroom. They were reading off raffle ticket winners around the time I thought maybe I should jump in the shower. I thought Kim P. who won the Jack Daniels Golf bag was going to run through our living room to claim the prize.

A few hours later we were ready to head over. It was $20 to get in, but that included drink tickets (or if you prefer, raffle tickets, they worked for both) and free water, soda, and of course, chili.

I was pretty amazed at the crowd. The Hi-Times parking lot by nature isn’t all that big. They sectioned off half of it for the Cook-off, and there were approximately 40 vendors\chili giver-outers. Most of the chili came from local businesses like the Harp, Pierre Street Annex, Mother’s Market, but there were individuals (like I would have been) that didn’t have flashy signs or trinkets but simply had a camping stove and a bit ole pot of chili. The place was packed. I’m not sure if it was the amount of people exactly or that the parking lot was shoved with so many other things that a small crowd made it looked packed.



They didn’t design the layout very well either, which makes me wonder if they knew that so many people would show up. For example, the sole place where you could buy drinks was in the same place where the bathrooms were, which was the same place where you drop off your raffle tickets, which was also the same place where the band was playing. So you had a line of people waiting for drinks trying to navigate through the people waiting for the bathroom who were trying to navigate around the people who were dancing to the band.

But the chili….the chili was really good. I’ve never been to a chili cook-off of any kind and I was really wondering what differences chili could honestly have. But there were tons of differences. Pasta chili, veggie chili, spicy chili, chili with fancy cheeses, chili with tequila, the list goes on. And overall, I liked all the chili I tasted except for the 100% organic chili from Mothers (it was too…I don’t know…earthy). My favorite chili was the pasta chili from Garduno's Ristorante Italiano. I even voted for it. The chili from Surf Side seemed to be the favorite of everyone else until the chili with the fancy cheeses came out.

Patrick, Michele, Mari and Gunter stopped by soon after we got there. But then they left right away. It was crowded with no place to sit down, and the micro beer they were serving was pretty bad so I understand why. However, Kevin and I didn’t want to miss an opportunity (it was right across the street!) and stayed for quite a few hours using up our friends drink tickets. I’m sorry to say that we did not win anything in the raffle but we had a good time talking with Richard and Squishy and watching people dance to the band. I hope they do this again next year but use the entire parking lot instead of just the half.

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Of course, that was two weekends ago. This past weekend, which was Labor Day weekend, we did do something new (albeit stretching the new thing) but since I was a dolt and forgot my camera, I’m just going to give it a mention instead of an entire entry.

We ended up going to the newly re-opened, under new management, Sam’s Seafood in Sunset Beach. It’s the closest thing I know to a Tiki joint in Orange County. Kevin and I used to go to the old Sam’s a lot. The old Sam’s bartender was Polynesian or Hawaiian and whenever we came in he’d say, “Oh! You want Scorpion, huh? For lovers only!” He would serve the Scorpion (for lovers only) in a gigantic plastic seashell with two huge straws that would poke your eye out if you weren’t careful. I was close to tears when we stopped by last year and saw that they had closed.

I was excited to learn that they were re-opened but a bit disappointed when I got there. It’s definitely under new management. Where the old Sam’s was like Elvis in Blue Hawaii, the new Sam’s is like Matthew Fox (from Lost) having his trendy lunch in Hawaii. It wasn’t the same even though they still had the Scorpion (but with no one to say, “for lovers only!” we didn’t get it). They do have an hour long happy hour on Sunday from 4 - 5PM where you can get half price appetizers (which are around $11 a piece regular price) and a $1 off beer.