I Have A Horse In The Bathroom

I really don't like talking about my job on this blog. Not only will talking too much about run the risk of me losing it (the job that is, not my mind) (then again…), but it's really rather dull. However, I had a conversation with someone today that warrants a post.

Just to give you an idea of what I do for those who don't know, I am officially a 'Product Specialist'. This fancy title really means 'Technical Support in a Specified Software Application'. A lot of people upon hearing I'm in support usually respond with, "Oh, I hate those guys!" or "Do you get people who don't know how to use a mouse?". To them I respond, "We don't like you either" and "Um, no." My first support job I did work with a lot of geriatrics and therefore talked a lot of non-technical people. But that was 11 years ago and I have since moved on to talking to people who, for the most part, know what they are doing on a basic technical level. By the way (addressing those who 'hate those guys'), if we are talking about pecking order in the technology field, technical support is pretty much as far down the totem pole you can get before you're actually working in a sweatshop in the Philippines making mouses and keyboards. We know this. After years of getting absolutely no respect some of us can become bitter. Some of us may transfer that bitterness to you. We are sorry. We are sure your grandson really is a wiz at the computer and would never ever download Kazaa and look at porn on your PC causing a virus that ruined it so badly that you need to pay that snot nosed kid at Best Buy to rebuild it for you. And yes, we actually DO know the developer who created that cryptic message that you are looking at but we still aren't transferring you directly to his extension (as much as we would really REALLY love to).

As you wait on hold, Toby is diligently researching your problem by finishing the next level of Half-Life 2.

So yes! Today I talked to someone that was worthy enough to post about. Since this conversation is application specific and none of you save Kevin and Ed would know what the hell I was talking about, I've replaced the specifics with the absurd. I think it still works. Let's just say I got off the phone and called over to my next door cubicle buddy, "So yeah, am I speaking Latin right now without knowing it? I must be speaking Latin."

CUSTOMER: I can't get my cat to eat the food.

MOE: You mentioned in your email that you have another cat. Does your other cat eat the food?

CUSTOMER: I have a horse in the bathroom.

MOE: Uh…where is your cat?

CUSTOMER: I have a horse in the bathroom.

MOE: But aren't we talking about your cat?

CUSTOMER: Yes.

MOE: So does your other cat eat the food?

CUSTOMER: My horse eats food. He's in the bathroom.

MOE: Where is your cat?

CUSTOMER: I don't understand.

MOE: Do you have another cat?

CUSTOMER: Yes.

MOE: Does that cat eat food?

CUSTOMER: I have a horse in the bathroom.

MOE: Yeah, OK. Does your horse eat food?

CUSTOMER: Yes.

MOE: Does your horse juggle?

CUSTOMER: Yes.

MOE: Are you at the circus?

CUSTOMER: You mean with the clowns? That type of circus?

MOE: Yes.

CUSTOMER: No, I'm not at the circus.

MOE: But your horse juggles?

CUSTOMER: Yes.

MOE: That's impossible. Horses don't juggle unless they are at the circus. And even then it's pretty rare because their hoofs can't hold the balls properly . Are you sure your horse can juggle?

CUSTOMER: No, my horse can't juggle. He's in the bathroom. (pause) But yes, I'm at the circus. Why won't my cat eat the food?

MOE: Well, it would help if you had another cat so we could see if it's something wrong with the cat or something wrong with the food. If you don't have another cat, can you get one?

CUSTOMER: Sure!

MOE: OK, go and get one and see if it eats the food.

CUSTOMER: I don't understand. What's wrong with the food?

MOE: I don't know if there is anything wrong with the food. We need another cat to see if it's the food or the cat.

CUSTOMER: My horse is a juggling asshole.

MOE: Excuse me?

CUSTOMER: My cat won't eat the food.

MOE: I understand. Can you get another cat?

CUSTOMER: Sure!

MOE: Can you get another cat now?

CUSTOMER: I can't do that. I'm in the washing machine.

MOE: Can you get out of the washing machine just for a moment so you can go get another cat?

CUSTOMER: I don't understand. Why do you want me to get another cat? My cat won't eat the food.

MOE: OK, let's try something else. Do you have some other food you can try to feed your cat?

CUSTOMER: I have another cat, will that work?

MOE: (pause. Breathe) Yes. That will work.

CUSTOMER: You know what? I think I'm just going to watch the horse juggle. I'll let you know if I need any further help. Thanks!

MOE: Uh, OK. You're welcome.

EMAIL FROM CUSTOMER 15 MINUTES LATER: Hey! I'm sorry; I don't actually have a cat! It was a dog! It's eating just fine now.