Shishmaref, Alaska

Sorry for the silliness ahead...

When I was at the Harp last Saturday night, I ran into Steve (Steve of Fairy Princess fame, not Steve the bartender) who stated he was a regular reader of the blog. He then made the comment that since I enjoyed traveling and I enjoyed writing, that I should be a travel writer. I do admit to having many aspirations to be a great many things (National Geographic photographer, Radio DJ, Rock Band Album Cover Art creator, Cast Member on a wildly popular underground indie film, Tilt-A-Whirl operator, Fruity Pebble maker, International Woman of Mystery, Fish Whisperer to name a few) and being a travel writer is definitely one of them. However, I’m afraid that I’m in technology and technology is what I will always be in lest I get too old and have to revert back to retail due to “this darn tootin’ stuff that the kids these days are getting into” gets too complicated for my aging brain. Let’s be honest…aspirations of greatness take work. And I’m lazy. Many of the good things that I’ve achieved were achieved by a combination of luck and being thick enough to jump into things without thinking about them first. But Steve said that if I didn’t this, and by this I mean writing about a place that I’ve never been to, that he would do me harm the next time he saw me. I think he has nun chucks, I know he definitely has a turtle. Maybe a turtle with nun chucks.

I had asked him to pick a place to write about and he told me, but of course I forgot (Mags, I’m turning into Dad faster than I like!). It was someplace in Alaska so to save time and harm from nun chuck wielding turtles; I just opened Google maps and picked a place…which was Shishmaref, Alaska. Yeah, I just liked the name.



Without cheating and looking up Shishmaref on Wikipedia, this is what I know for a fact about it:

• It is in Alaska.
  
• It rhymes with Wish Pear Miff. Or “Sheesh Ma Riff!”
  
• It’s cold there. REALLY cold. Like cold enough to wear two sets of mittens.
  
• Location if you had a GPS in your pocket: 66.25066 N, 166.11954 W

OK, I totally cheated on that last one. I didn’t think I could fool you with another “It’s in Alaska”.



Now let’s cheat and see what boring old Wikipedia has to say about it…

• Just north of the Bering Strait (check!)
  
• Population: 562 (check!)
  
• Home to Herbie “Shishmaref Cannonball” Nayokpuk, a famous dog-musher (check!) (and a quick side note…I read that wrong at first and thought he was the beloved dog-musher “Shishmaref Cannibal”)
  
• Voted the “friendliest village in Alaska” (until they eat you) (check!)
  
• Well known for it’s high quality seal oil and fermented meat (yum!) (check!)
  
• Known for it’s whalebone and walrus ivory carvings (of the dog-musher Shishmaref Cannibal eating fun loving tourists) (check!)
  
• And finally, if you were a woman and you took 99 of your closest girl friends to the Annual Ivory Carving\Seal Oil Cook-Off, there would be 21.3 men thinking that they should have stayed home and cuddled with their walruses.

For the sake of Steve, if I climbed into Mr. Rodger’s ‘Neighborhood of Make-Believe’ this is surely what I would write if I had actually been there:

I woke up early this morning. I tried to sleep in but the sound of mating seals outside my window was too much to handle. Pukachuamon greated me at the breakfast table with the most delicious cup of hot seal oil and honey followed by orca fat on toast with a side of hot seal oil. She is truly a gracious and kind host, though I am a bit skeptical on why she keeps grabbing my belly muttering something about “being ready for the feast on Sunday.” Perhaps it is a cultural oversight I missed in my Lonely Planet guide. I am looking forward to the feast on Sunday, especially if there is more seal oil! I could literally take a bath in it I find it so lovely.

After breakfast Pukachuamon’s son, Cliff, offered to take me walrus hunting. I let him know that due to my beliefs of getting mauled by large arctic animals, I would be unable to partake in the obviously exciting event, but would he happen to know where I could find the local mall or maybe just a pub? You know what? He did! The mall was very nice and had the usual stores but I was really disappointed that everything was covered in fur. I bought an evening gown of penguin anyhow. I want to look nice for Sunday’s feast.

After the mall Cliff took me to the pub. It was the oddest thing! I went up to order Cliff and me a couple Ice Houses (I know, it was the only thing they had on tap) and when I turned back around, Cliff was gone! Thankfully there were 22 very nice, albeit rugged, gentlemen to chat with. I especially liked the man who only had a head and an arm; I think his name was Pointre. I wonder if that’s French. I talked with him for hours. Afterwards we took his dog sled and went out for fried seal oil with cheese. Yum!

It’s getting late here so I’m going to try to get some sleep before the seals start back at it.

(Don’t do me harm Steve!)

NOTE: No seals or walruses were harmed in the making of this post.